Friday, November 4, 2011

Real criticism please, and help me name it!!

Okay so this isn't done yet, not even close. It's a short story. Real criticism please and help me name it, won't ya? :P

Have you ever felt the guilt of killing another to save yourself? Well, that’s how I feel every day, along with anyone else who’s still alive. To save ourselves we must sacrifice someone else. If you try and save everyone, you get betrayed by someone who’s scared. That’s how everything works here in Abandoen. You abandon people. I’ve survived two years, after being brought in through my TV, but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last. I’m just so tired. I found this notebook in Darren’s backpack. He’s dead now, I killed him. My own friend, the one person I could trust. He thought he could trust me, but there was no one else around we could kill. You have to run every day, in fear that you could go next. I’m scared. I’m tired. I want to go home.

  I closed the notebook and shoved it in my backpack. I could hear someone coming. They were running, their shoes clanging against the tiles of the corridor. I hefted my backpack over my left shoulder silently and looked around for a place to hide. I was in a classroom, desks in four rows. There was a cabinet at the bottom of the room, and a bookshelf.
  I ran down the classroom, a desk snagged on my baize top and ripped off a bit. I turned to grab it but heard the footsteps getting closer. They were basically in the door when I finally managed to pry open the cabinet doors, which had been shut tight, and climb in. I closed the doors and waited. Even if they did find me I’d have an advantage, I could kick them or something. Surprise attack.
  I heard the door creak open and someone sighing as they sat at a desk. It sounded like they were… crying. I pushed the cabinet door a little, it hadn’t been properly closed. I saw the person for the first time. She had dark skin and black hair falling over their face. She wore torn clothes. She had nearly been killed. That’s what she had been running from.
  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, so I got out of the cabinet and walked over to her. She turned her head quickly, trying to get up from the desk, but her leg got caught on the chair and she fell backwards.
  “Oh, are you okay?” I asked, bending down to help her up.
  She backed away, scared. She thought I was going to kill her. I had no intention on doing so.
  “It’s okay, I’m not gonna kill you. I’m not gonna kill anyone.”
  “But, you’ll be killed if you don’t,” she said, her voice soft and trembling.
  “By who? You? I can watch out for myself. I’ve been here two years and by the looks of you, you’ve just come. I’d say you don’t even know what’s going on, do you?”
  She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. Poor girl.
  “How knew are you?” I asked, trying to help her up again. This time she let me.
  “I’m… I’ve been here for two days.. I think. It goes differently here. There’s no sun or moon. But I get tired, so I think that’s how I know.” She was getting confident, showing the true her. I had been like that too.


  1. good god.

    that is amazing.

    but I do think 'sucked in by the TV' is a far strecht... might work though, I do not read enough sci-fi, more fantasy and dystopias...

  2. It's great Gepard, really great!
    No criticism comes to mind - sorry!
    Except... You put 'How knew are you?' should that be new, not knew...?

  3. When she asks the other girl how new she is, she says knew.
    Oh, and I think a bit more explanation on why she killed a friend who trusted her and who she trusted would be nice...

    And as a title, the name of the place could work, I think...

    *hopes he'll write more*

  4. :) Awesome!! only critisism is what Taia saw :)

    And Titles!! hmmm...

    Through the box
    Kill or be killed
    twisted tv?

  5. n'awwww *tear* n'awwww *tear* DON'T diE! GOD DAYM IT! ... brilliant Gep :]